A PLAY BY SEAN B DEANE TITLE - IF THE CAP FITS Scene – A small rural town in Ireland Time - Sunday. Oct.8th, Any Year, late evening. Characters – A bus load of youngsters. A bus driver Paddy Garda, the Corkman and Paddy Garda the Kerryman in an Unmarked car. BACKGROUND 1 – For a long time past the local people have not dared to venture on to the roads in and around the town on weekend nights after midnight To do so would be to place their live at risk as the roads are taken over by the so-called boy racers. The straight stretches approaching town are used by them to race against each other, to test their brakes and to practice their wheelies. They seem to do so with impunity as the complaints of the local people have gone unheeded and the long arm of the law seem unable to deal with the situation. But wait, salvation is at hand. Two fearless members of the force set out to bring these ruffians to heel. In an unmarked car they set out and lay in wait at a time and place where these speedsters are least likely to appear. They wait in expectation. BACKGROUND 2 – The local under 16 football team has trained long and hard for the final of their championship. The big day arrives and they produce a classy display to capture the cup. They return to their home town where it is decided to scale down the traditional victory parade and just drive through the town in the team bus displaying the cup and with just a few cars following. No horns blaring, no singing, no shouting, dignified and respectful. The cavalcade sets off. ACT 1, Scene 1 - The bus proceeds through town which is very quiet with few people on the street at that time of the evening. But the players are not worried. Ecstatic after their great victory they’re enjoying the experience, many of them for the first time and dreaming that one day they will do it with Cork footballers. ACT 1, Scene 2 Meanwhile excitement is rising in the unmarked car. A suspect has just passed and they rev up the engine and set out in hot pursuit down the town. They catch up and pass out on a dangerous bend but their own safety is only secondary in the interests of catching the speedster.. They are also consoled by the fact that if there is an accident the funeral home and church is nearby and the hospital is just down the road. ACT 1, Scene 3 In the bus the player’s attention is attracted by a blaring siren and flashing lights as an unmarked car whizzes past. They bless themselves, thinking that it must be racing to the scene of a serious accident or perhaps the Bank of Peking in Ballinacarriga is being robbed. How exciting! But wait! The car has pulled up in front of the bus causing it to stop. Great said they ‘We’re getting an escort through town. How important we must be!.’ ACT 2, Scene 1. – Conversation taking place in unmarked car. Paddy the Kerryman -‘this doesn’t look like a boy racer to me, the driver is grey haired and looks to be drawing the pension’ Paddy the Corkman - ‘yerra maybe he is in his second childhood’ Paddy the Keryman - ‘You might be right but wait, I don’t think the vehicle resembles a boyracer car’ Paddy the Corkman - Be jasus you’re nearly right. It doesn’t have the darkened windows nor the sporty look nor the aluminium wheels. Tis only a bloody bus!’ Slowly, very slowly the penny drops with the two. They’ve made a gaff, a cockup. But how are they going to extricate themselves from this awkard situation? ACT2, Scene 2. Paddy the Corkman - ‘ Look , we’re alright, they have a big silver cup! Be god they must be city gang that have been raiding West Cork. What a catch! This will definitely mean promotion. Paddy the cute Kerryman, suddenly seeing the light - No way, I’ve seen situations like this many times back home in Tralee. They’re just a team celebrating a victory! Lets retreat with grace, go on the bus, congratulate them on their win and nicely remind the youngsters that they should be sitting in their seats with their seat belts on. Yes, that’s what we’ll do. In that way we’ll be fostering good community relations and be helping to build respect among the youngsters. Paddy the Corkman - No way, we’ll enforce the letter of the law. We’ll check the vehicle’s tacograph. That driver is bound to have taken more than 8 hours bringing them home from the match. We’ll put them off the bus if they won’t sit in their seats with seat belts on and we’ll glower at them in an intimidating and officious manner. That should do the trick. Paddy the Kerryman - Japers I don’t know but any way I’ll stay in the car . You look after things If they go wrong we can always say it was a big joke. That we were disguised Ross supporters getting our own back for being beaten!!!! A WORK OF FICTION - ANY RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN CHARACTERS IN THIS AND REAL PEOPLE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL |